On this day in 1492, George Washington crossed the Atlantic Ocean in three mighty ships… the Nina, the Piñata and the Santa Claus. Washington and the other Americans were fleeing the evil Britons. The Britons believed in taxation without representation and back then there was no TurboTax, so that was a really big deal.
To infuriate the Britons, Washington decided to waste a bunch of their tea, dumping it into the sea. The Britons jumped in after the tea, trying to drink it as they swam around in it. All you could see were Englishman’s pinkies sticking up through the water. One must always extend his pinky whilst drinking tea.
This meant war.
The Americans and the Britons lined up on two sides of a field. They raised their muskets and began firing at one another. At no point did anyone think to hide behind a rock or a tree. After hours of firing their weapons and making no attempts to dodge the deadly projectiles, the only two men left standing were George Washington and King Leopold Womplebottom the 8th. They were both out of ammunition so they charged at one another with their bayonets raised. Before they could reach each other, Jesus Christ descended from the heavens and turned their weapons into armadillos. He liked changing things into armadillos because their name sounds so much like “arm dildos” and it makes him giggle.
The Lord asked, “Why are you two fighting this battle?”
George replied, “He taxed us a bunch and took away our freeeeeeedom.”
King Womplebottom replied, “He wasted tea and I’m pretty sure his teeth are made of wood. And that’s creepy.”
Jesus shook his head and said, “The wooden teeth are a myth. You really need to look things up on snopes before you start spouting them off as facts.”
Jesus decided enough was enough. He told the King to return to England and leave the Americans alone. He told George Washington to declare independence and lead this new nation. Jesus then rose up with his arms raised, disappeared in a puff of heavenly smoke, and with a booming, echoed voice said, “Arrrrrmmmm dildos.”
The King returned to England as instructed and George gathered his most patriotic friends inside the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia. It’s bigger on the inside. They wrote up a document declaring independence from the tyranny of Great Britain. His friend John Hancock signed his name really big and George was like, “Dude, we all gotta sign this shit and we only have one piece of paper. Not cool.”
Then they attached fireworks to an eagle, it flew high above the Liberty Bell and exploded in a feathery death of absolute freedom.
And America lived happily ever after.